Only What Is Infinite May Not Be Lost

Barnabas
2 min readJul 13, 2020

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It’s hard to have a handle on what you feel sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have clarity. Our emotions are tiny time travelers, they know the importance of the past, they keep record of the present and don’t like the future to be too uncertain.

Clarity is a funny word, at least to me, because finding clarity does not come with finding answers as I would’ve thought. I’ve often found that many times, answers aren’t comforting. We don’t want answers, we want security. I can’t spend my life chasing answers when there are infinite questions, all of them important to me.

I ignored a shooting star today. I was excited to see one, but I couldn’t decide which of my thousand wishes was most urgent. Clarity for me, is knowing that although life has a game-like quality to it, there can be no winners. It’s chosing not to play, not to grasp at anything. I embrace loss like a guiding hand, reminding me where not to invest my hopes. Everything I have loved, I have lost and everything I love, I will lose.

One day life itself will turn its back on me, and my loss will be complete. My emotions will travel again, but this time only to the past. I try to live now so that my feelings come back from that journey happy. Happy that I didn’t hold on to what I lost, so that instead of anger and pain and bitterness I’ll feel the thrill of the journey I had, and let go of one final breath. In that moment I will have lost all that can be lost, and I will grasp at the infinte with eager hands.

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